Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
