capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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