Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
