Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
