ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
