Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
