We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
