I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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