Will you blow on my dice?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
