i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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