Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
