guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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