i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
