Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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