Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
