OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
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They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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