Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
