Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
