i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
