every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
