Don't make out with my wife yet
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i think i just lost a toe
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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