Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
