I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
