He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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