He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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