Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
