cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
