I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
