Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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