WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
