they need to just BURY HIM!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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