How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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