Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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