Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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