he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
