i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she told me i tasted like america
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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