pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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