Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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