I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
