i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
