The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
