I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
