"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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