mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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