I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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