I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
