dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
its not stalking. its research.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
