I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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