What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
