Just fell off a train. Bad.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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