omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
