i already hear my dad disowning me
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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