textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
