I feel great
I just peed on a car
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
