I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
