ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
