i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
