Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
