i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
