we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
