She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
