just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
