Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
