my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
